How to talk about Finances with your spouse?

UFC2015

Voter (50+ posts)
I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Marriage. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent a really huge amount at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend such a huge amount on at a grocery store, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a really huge charge of XYZ amount on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?
 

Dr Adam

Prime Minister (20k+ posts)
I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Marriage. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent a really huge amount at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend such a huge amount on at a grocery store, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a really huge charge of XYZ amount on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?
Its a very tricky situation my friend. Good that you handled it wisely and maturely.
If I were you I would do 2 things without entering into any altercation.
1. Put a limit for any transaction and instruct the bank to disburse the money after strict verification of both the people on the account.
2. For the time being don't put more money into that account. If she asks you.... simply say... due to COVID there were few laid offs and unfortunately you were one of them.

Let's see how things go from there.

P/S: Don't forget rampant ID thefts in Pakistan.
 

Diesel

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
aurat aik bohat tayri makhloq hai.. tora sa dabaya To tott janey ka khadsha hai.. lady n specially apni wife ke sath deal karna aik bohat bara skill hai. kamyab mard wo hai Jo aurat ke tayray pan ke sath rehna seek lay.
 

Citizen X

President (40k+ posts)
I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Marriage. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent a really huge amount at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend such a huge amount on at a grocery store, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a really huge charge of XYZ amount on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?
How much money at a grocery store and that also in rupees ( while you earn in CAD ) could she have spent to give you a heart attack, what did she do, buy the entire store?

But it's a good thing you did nip it in the bud.

BTW is this your bhabis sister or cousin you had a huge crush on?
 

cestmoi ✅️

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
How much was the grocery bill? Unless your budget is so tight, don't worry about little things like chocolates....you got other big things to worry about coming your way. I know your background from your other posts and I can understand where your anxiety is coming from. Rest assured, wives are very very expensive, believe us.
 

BrotherKantu

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
How much was the grocery bill? Unless your budget is so tight, don't worry about little things like chocolates....you got other big things to worry about coming your way. I know your background from your other posts and I can understand where your anxiety is coming from. Rest assured, wives are very very expensive, believe us.
How much was the grocery bill?

جناب لگتا ہے پورے پنج سو روپے نو اگ لا دتی سو.



.
 

Tit4Tat

Minister (2k+ posts)
I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Marriage. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent a really huge amount at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend such a huge amount on at a grocery store, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a really huge charge of XYZ amount on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?
Brother do not follow this drama dr Adam advice, if you do what he advised, it will ruin your life. Those 2 steps that he recommended could sow seeds of disliking and mistrust.
By the look of what you said, I think there is an age gap between 2 of you and that it’s an arranged marriage where you both are yet to develop understanding. Give it time.

and you yourself said that she was not spending but started spending after you insisted, so not her fault.

my advice: give her a fixed pocket money or kharcha every month just for herself and do not ask where she spends it.
Yes savings joint accounts need checks

let me repeat DO NOT FOLLOW Dr ADAM advice
 

Rambler

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
This guy has the best posts, very few and far in between, but its like a soap opera.

I don't think its real. Adeel may have come up with this character to get a traffic jam - Who would seek advice on a public forum about his wife spending too much money on chocolate. It seems too hilariously tragic.to be true.
 
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kakamuna420

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
lol. why would you give her a "card". Always give cash. People think of credit as magic money on the tree.

Just tell her that you have changed your bank and cancel her card. Send her cash and it should be all fine.

Most desi couples I know in USA and Europe don't share cards or accounts with their spouses. In this way, you avoid unnecessary fights.

I gave my wife some of my cards and she goes and eats at the cheesecake factory, paneira etc. with kids all the time.

But I am rich..lol
 

kakamuna420

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
You seem to be a stingy beta male. I pity your wife who has to spend a lifetime with a person who asks advice on a siasi forum about his wife buying chocolate. Grow up dude.
no that is not true. People should use money responsibly especially if it is not yours.
 

Sonya Khan

Minister (2k+ posts)
Seriously ?.......
Let me give you an advice that will save you massive heart attack in future .....
‘Get used to such mini heart attacks interspersed with some hysteric attacks ...... You have no other option dude .....’ .... :)
 
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wasiqjaved

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Marriage. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.

I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent a really huge amount at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend such a huge amount on at a grocery store, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.

She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a really huge charge of XYZ amount on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.

How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?

Every couple is different. Relationships are based on trust. If you trust your wife, then give her that money to spend however way she wants to. Don't put tabs or conditions on it. Relationships last longer when nobody knows your business. Hence, keep these matters b/w you two only.

If she's an avid spender (according to you), then you may put something of a monthly basis of sort in her personal account rather than in joint account. Marriage doesn't mean privacy

Btw, for Canadian Spousal Sponsorship OUTLAND application (i.e. Family Class), if both spouses are financially self-sufficient, then they don't need to rely on sponsor (SPR) or principal applicant (PA) and can simply declare this fact.

Both SPR and PA have to know that SPR have signed an undertaking of being responsible for their spouse for 3 years the moment PA lands in Canada. If PA apply for welfare or social assistance within first 3 years, then SPR will have to pay that money back to the government. Even if marriage breaks down within 3 years, SPR will be liable for paying back PA's welfare/social assistance cost during undertaking period. Therefore, have some straightforward conversation with your spouse and lay some ground rules.
 

Aristo

Minister (2k+ posts)
yeh kia aurton wala katta khol diya hay siasi forum par ? yar pehlay to itni amount transfer karni nahi the os account agar kar de to phir tension kaisi kitnay ura diye kyun ura diye transfer karnay k bad bhol jao simple zindagi ko asaan banaiye na k uljhano ka shikar hon
 

stargazer

Chief Minister (5k+ posts)
It is important to talk to your spouse and your children about money and finances.

I think it would be a good idea to set some goals in life like buying a piece of land and make a house in a given time frame which will help the spouse to set her eyes on the shared goal as well. It is also important that your wife knows how much you make and how hard you work for it.
Some other goals are to save for retirement, traveling etc. If the goals are shared chances of accomplishing them increase. Occasional splurge should also be acceptable.
Being honest without trickery is the quintessential element for a married couple.
Wives should not be considered dumb or reckless based on one expense. I am sure she is young and proud of you for sending her the money and taking care of her, don't let her think otherwise.
I think you have handled it well.
 

Nice2MU

President (40k+ posts)
Had never opened a joint account...

My wife bank account has more money than my account and it is most of the time...and she gives me any amount whenever I ask her. Never bother what is she buying, though I know all big items are bought by me any way.

Give wife a full confidence and in return she would be the best protector of your money though it can be risky in situation where women are too much lawish in spending. So finger crossed.