Muslim Dating: The Reality of our Ummah Part 1
When people ask do Muslims date? A big chunk of Muslims will quickly respond with a Hell No! Because remember that Hadeeth about Shaytaan being the third? Ya, so of course Muslims dont date, commit adultery or drink alcohol or have gay sex or break any other Quranic tenet. Muslims are perfect angels with no faults.
But if youve lived among a large Muslim population, befriended Muslims or visited a Muslim majority country, you will learn that things are not very different than what we see here (in America) among the mainstream culture. Muslims indulge in all of these acts, but the only difference is all is done in secrecy, in a hush-hush secret alternative reality where its better to sweep your shame under the carpet than dreadfully advertise your sins.
One doesnt need to travel to the Middle East to witness the phenomenon. Take a short trip to the beautiful city of Toronto and its neighboring suburbs where a Muslim majority is present in the high school scene. You will find the percentages of Muslim individuals involved in dating, sex, drinking, drugs, etc is high, which is no different than a school with a Judeo-Christian majority.
If youve ever visited fatwa sites like Islam QA or Islamonline cyber counseling/fatwa section you will learn that our Muslim youth arent living a sin-free life. I remember a young man once wrote the site asking for advice about his problem. You see this young man, an aspiring Sheikh, was attracted to men and he didnt know how to keep his faith and battle his desires. Another girl wrote asking what to do with a man she loves and is on the verge of committing adultery with him because her practicing beautiful Muslim family wont allow her to marry him.
Young men and women write daily to these outlets asking for a solution.They grew up hearing that its haraam to do this and that, yet an alternative was never presented. And when their sins are revealed they are shunned from the community, especially if female.
I know a number of pious and well regarded youth in my community who live double lives. A simple facebook or myspace check will tell you all. Its very sad that everyone around them, including their young fellow Muslim friends, are aware of this double life but the parents are in the dark. I dont pity the parents because they CHOOSE not to understand their children. Parents assume their child would never be like so and sos bad child. But I got news for them, THEY DO and sometimes they are worse!
Some religious scholars will advise youth to fast or play sports. But in the day and age we live in , is that really enough? Has it been effective thus far? I dont think so.
I think its time for the Muslim Ummah collectively to stop turning a blind eye and face REALITY. Obviously their previous plan hasnt worked. Our Ummah collectively arent becoming more Godly but they are turning away from their religion all together. The way we deal with our children needs to change NOW.
First action item on the list: Change parental attitudes and priorities.
Muslim Dating: The Reality of our Ummah and Some Solutions Part 2
When parents eventually learn about their childs alternate reality their reaction is of one of two: 1) Overreact the situation, curse and damn child to hell, take away worldly possessions such as a phone while spitting out every Quranic verse to guilt the child to stop; 2) Deny the situation entirely and never address it. Astonishingly, the latter occurs at a much higher frequency.
Ive seen parents bow in prayer begging God to help and guide their child. Unfortunately, that is usually the extent of their effort. Waking up an hour early to pray in the wee hours of the morning isnt the solution. God doesnt help people who dont help themselves first.
Acceptance of Gender Mixing:
Humans need to socialize and interact with one another. Its part of life. Contrary to most Islamic Scholars interpretation of Islamic teachings, I believe that healthy interactions among the genders is needed to build self-esteem and healthy choices in life. I sometimes wonder why scholars emphasize the importance of community values among Muslims (Jummah, Eid, visiting the sick, keeping relations with kin), yet spend most of their time speaking of the evilness of mixing with the opposite gender and the horrors that come about.
I believe that God has commanded us to be social beings. There are no exclusions. The forms of these contacts are different in nature. Some are more intimate than others but with every relation one could discern the proper form of interaction.
Many Muslim children are raised on the notion that mixing with the opposite gender is haraam. Recently I visited friends during a dinner party. The children were separated by gender and were asked to not interact. I heard a mother tell her daughter Good little girls dont play with boys. Of course, Muslim parents arent concerned about todays innocent playdate but the future is whats on their mind. They believe if they allow their six-year old daughter to play with a little boy now, ten years later she will still want to play, but maybe more of a mature type play?
The mistake occurs the first time parents restrict interaction. Boys and girls grow up curious about the opposite gender thanks to the limited interaction they were allowed as children. However, the same standards arent into play when it comes to school, especially when they are in a public school setting. The child learns to discriminate: when he/she is at school, they are free to interact as they please, but once in the presence of a parent or a Muslim member of their community, they learn to avoid contact with the opposite gender. From here the dual-lifestyle is commenced.
When the child approaches their parent to discuss their social life at school or ask to invite a male classmate to their birthday party, they are quickly reprimanded and reminded that this is not our way (i.e. the Muslim/Arab/Asian, etc way). Soon after the child learns that certain topics arent safe to discuss with ones parent, so they turn to friends to seek advice or confide their secrets. The friends cheer on the alternate life the child creates, and as a result the parent and other community members remain in the dark.
The solution:
A group of Muslim girls getting ready to start bowling in San Francisco, 2009
When I asked a Muslim teenage friend of mine why she wanted a boyfriend, her response was honest, I want a boyfriend to buy me expensive things and take me places. Growing up as a teen in the Middle East, many of my friends sought boyfriends for the same reasons, although most wanted the relationship to end in marriage (and 99% of them never did). If I ever fancied to take on a boyfriend at the tender age of 15, my reasons would have probably been to fill the empty void in my life and the loneliness I felt.
When you ask Muslim teens today what their goals in life are, their thoughts of the world or what commitment means, they will be at loss for words. Of course this is not a Muslim phenomenon but a universal one. As Muslims though we believe that God has sent us guidance that would solve all our worldly problems and yet we arent even close to solving the Muslim youth crises. One must wonder why?
Our youth complain that religious folk dont get them. They are there to throw rules and judge them at every given moment. The rules state clearly: gender mixing of any kind is haraam; liking, loving or dating someone is haraam; any emotions towards the opposite gender is haraam; being curious is haraam; speaking about your emotions and desires to your parents is haraam and disappointing to your parents; talking OPENLY about sex is haraam; talking about what happens at school is haraam; being honest about your needs is haraam and shameful; if you are alone with the opposite gendereven in pubicthats haraam; if you want to have a friend of the opposite gender, its haraam.
The massive language and generational barrier has resulted in the mess we call today dual-identity of the Muslim youth.
Parents remind their children that all the above rules can be broken when married. So one must wait and be patient until then. Ironically, the parents do NOTHING to prepare these children for marriage, and at the same time when the child is ready to be married off they make it so difficult that marriage is almost a struggle (thats for another topic). And the cycle continues
Solution:
My answer is yes and no.
When my non-Muslim friends ask me this question, I am often stumped. In mainstream American culture dating doesnt always lead to marriage or start off with that intent. Of course, ultimately, any couple wishes their relationship evolves to that stage, but its not necessary for the relationship to continue.
In my opinion, the getting to know someone part could be given the term dating or courtship. A person gets to know another person with the initial intent made clear: marriage.
I am often surprised at my Muslim friends who date with no intent of marriage. Why would they invest so much energy, time and emotion on someone they dont have any intention to remain with?
When we equip our Muslim youth with balanced childhood where friends are of both genders, awkwardness is absent because gender relations can take many forms like friendship (not only sex as many Islamic scholars like to emphasize). Finally: honesty, respect and Godliness are integral parts of the value system of a healthy Muslim child. I believe with all in place our youth will see the beauty in Islamic values that past generations have unintentionally destroyed in the Name of God. Amen!(http://www.zawaj.com/muslim-dating-2/)
When people ask do Muslims date? A big chunk of Muslims will quickly respond with a Hell No! Because remember that Hadeeth about Shaytaan being the third? Ya, so of course Muslims dont date, commit adultery or drink alcohol or have gay sex or break any other Quranic tenet. Muslims are perfect angels with no faults.
But if youve lived among a large Muslim population, befriended Muslims or visited a Muslim majority country, you will learn that things are not very different than what we see here (in America) among the mainstream culture. Muslims indulge in all of these acts, but the only difference is all is done in secrecy, in a hush-hush secret alternative reality where its better to sweep your shame under the carpet than dreadfully advertise your sins.
One doesnt need to travel to the Middle East to witness the phenomenon. Take a short trip to the beautiful city of Toronto and its neighboring suburbs where a Muslim majority is present in the high school scene. You will find the percentages of Muslim individuals involved in dating, sex, drinking, drugs, etc is high, which is no different than a school with a Judeo-Christian majority.
If youve ever visited fatwa sites like Islam QA or Islamonline cyber counseling/fatwa section you will learn that our Muslim youth arent living a sin-free life. I remember a young man once wrote the site asking for advice about his problem. You see this young man, an aspiring Sheikh, was attracted to men and he didnt know how to keep his faith and battle his desires. Another girl wrote asking what to do with a man she loves and is on the verge of committing adultery with him because her practicing beautiful Muslim family wont allow her to marry him.
Young men and women write daily to these outlets asking for a solution.They grew up hearing that its haraam to do this and that, yet an alternative was never presented. And when their sins are revealed they are shunned from the community, especially if female.
I know a number of pious and well regarded youth in my community who live double lives. A simple facebook or myspace check will tell you all. Its very sad that everyone around them, including their young fellow Muslim friends, are aware of this double life but the parents are in the dark. I dont pity the parents because they CHOOSE not to understand their children. Parents assume their child would never be like so and sos bad child. But I got news for them, THEY DO and sometimes they are worse!
Some religious scholars will advise youth to fast or play sports. But in the day and age we live in , is that really enough? Has it been effective thus far? I dont think so.
I think its time for the Muslim Ummah collectively to stop turning a blind eye and face REALITY. Obviously their previous plan hasnt worked. Our Ummah collectively arent becoming more Godly but they are turning away from their religion all together. The way we deal with our children needs to change NOW.
First action item on the list: Change parental attitudes and priorities.
Muslim Dating: The Reality of our Ummah and Some Solutions Part 2
When parents eventually learn about their childs alternate reality their reaction is of one of two: 1) Overreact the situation, curse and damn child to hell, take away worldly possessions such as a phone while spitting out every Quranic verse to guilt the child to stop; 2) Deny the situation entirely and never address it. Astonishingly, the latter occurs at a much higher frequency.
Ive seen parents bow in prayer begging God to help and guide their child. Unfortunately, that is usually the extent of their effort. Waking up an hour early to pray in the wee hours of the morning isnt the solution. God doesnt help people who dont help themselves first.
Acceptance of Gender Mixing:
Humans need to socialize and interact with one another. Its part of life. Contrary to most Islamic Scholars interpretation of Islamic teachings, I believe that healthy interactions among the genders is needed to build self-esteem and healthy choices in life. I sometimes wonder why scholars emphasize the importance of community values among Muslims (Jummah, Eid, visiting the sick, keeping relations with kin), yet spend most of their time speaking of the evilness of mixing with the opposite gender and the horrors that come about.
I believe that God has commanded us to be social beings. There are no exclusions. The forms of these contacts are different in nature. Some are more intimate than others but with every relation one could discern the proper form of interaction.
Many Muslim children are raised on the notion that mixing with the opposite gender is haraam. Recently I visited friends during a dinner party. The children were separated by gender and were asked to not interact. I heard a mother tell her daughter Good little girls dont play with boys. Of course, Muslim parents arent concerned about todays innocent playdate but the future is whats on their mind. They believe if they allow their six-year old daughter to play with a little boy now, ten years later she will still want to play, but maybe more of a mature type play?
The mistake occurs the first time parents restrict interaction. Boys and girls grow up curious about the opposite gender thanks to the limited interaction they were allowed as children. However, the same standards arent into play when it comes to school, especially when they are in a public school setting. The child learns to discriminate: when he/she is at school, they are free to interact as they please, but once in the presence of a parent or a Muslim member of their community, they learn to avoid contact with the opposite gender. From here the dual-lifestyle is commenced.
When the child approaches their parent to discuss their social life at school or ask to invite a male classmate to their birthday party, they are quickly reprimanded and reminded that this is not our way (i.e. the Muslim/Arab/Asian, etc way). Soon after the child learns that certain topics arent safe to discuss with ones parent, so they turn to friends to seek advice or confide their secrets. The friends cheer on the alternate life the child creates, and as a result the parent and other community members remain in the dark.
The solution:
- Allow children to freely interact with the opposite gender in academic and social settings.
- Teach children of both genders to work together on community service projects (brainstorm, plan, lead, etc).
- Equip children with the interpersonal skills (how to socialize with one another, etc)
- Teach children proper etiquette across settings
- Encourage and reward honest and thoughtful dialogue
- Set fair rules, be consistent, open to criticism, and follow-through when rules are broken
- Model Godly behavior
- Provide a safe environment free of hostility and disrespect.
A group of Muslim girls getting ready to start bowling in San Francisco, 2009When I asked a Muslim teenage friend of mine why she wanted a boyfriend, her response was honest, I want a boyfriend to buy me expensive things and take me places. Growing up as a teen in the Middle East, many of my friends sought boyfriends for the same reasons, although most wanted the relationship to end in marriage (and 99% of them never did). If I ever fancied to take on a boyfriend at the tender age of 15, my reasons would have probably been to fill the empty void in my life and the loneliness I felt.
When you ask Muslim teens today what their goals in life are, their thoughts of the world or what commitment means, they will be at loss for words. Of course this is not a Muslim phenomenon but a universal one. As Muslims though we believe that God has sent us guidance that would solve all our worldly problems and yet we arent even close to solving the Muslim youth crises. One must wonder why?
Our youth complain that religious folk dont get them. They are there to throw rules and judge them at every given moment. The rules state clearly: gender mixing of any kind is haraam; liking, loving or dating someone is haraam; any emotions towards the opposite gender is haraam; being curious is haraam; speaking about your emotions and desires to your parents is haraam and disappointing to your parents; talking OPENLY about sex is haraam; talking about what happens at school is haraam; being honest about your needs is haraam and shameful; if you are alone with the opposite gendereven in pubicthats haraam; if you want to have a friend of the opposite gender, its haraam.
The massive language and generational barrier has resulted in the mess we call today dual-identity of the Muslim youth.
Parents remind their children that all the above rules can be broken when married. So one must wait and be patient until then. Ironically, the parents do NOTHING to prepare these children for marriage, and at the same time when the child is ready to be married off they make it so difficult that marriage is almost a struggle (thats for another topic). And the cycle continues
Solution:
- Parents must accept that their children at whatever age will naturally seek a partner. This is nature at play.
- Parents should be approachable so child can consult with them when needed (without fear).
- Parents must work hard to raise mature children. The dilemma in todays ummah is that our children are babied forever. Lets face it, in Western communities Muslims are among the wealthiest and most educated. They seek the same for their children so they baby them. The child learns no type of responsibility growing up. Ive met countless young Muslims whove never held a real job. My question is why? Everyone has bills, even at 15!
- Involving the child in community service, work, house chores and in decision making will expose the child to more experience, thus maturity. This should be part of the familys culture.
- Teaching children to relieve their natural feelings through acceptable means: marriage.
- Parents should teach their child that marriage is the only way to have a wholesome relationship with someone.
- Liking someone is acceptable; however, the ultimate form of the relationship should be marriage (or what leads to it), nothing else. Our problem today, children are scared of marriage. We should prepare our boys and girls to be the husbands and wives of the future. Marriage isnt scary, it could be a beautiful thing when two healthy individuals are involved.
My answer is yes and no.
When my non-Muslim friends ask me this question, I am often stumped. In mainstream American culture dating doesnt always lead to marriage or start off with that intent. Of course, ultimately, any couple wishes their relationship evolves to that stage, but its not necessary for the relationship to continue.
In my opinion, the getting to know someone part could be given the term dating or courtship. A person gets to know another person with the initial intent made clear: marriage.
I am often surprised at my Muslim friends who date with no intent of marriage. Why would they invest so much energy, time and emotion on someone they dont have any intention to remain with?
When we equip our Muslim youth with balanced childhood where friends are of both genders, awkwardness is absent because gender relations can take many forms like friendship (not only sex as many Islamic scholars like to emphasize). Finally: honesty, respect and Godliness are integral parts of the value system of a healthy Muslim child. I believe with all in place our youth will see the beauty in Islamic values that past generations have unintentionally destroyed in the Name of God. Amen!(http://www.zawaj.com/muslim-dating-2/)
