Do you blame people for hiding mental and physical ailments in Arranged Marriages?

[UFC2015]

I am not trolling here but this is kind of a hard one for me to wrap my head around where i have a black and white approach where i say yes they should but then realist in me also tells me that things are not always that simple on this planet. I will give a couple of very different examples to prove my case

1) My mamu has always suffered from clinical depression his entire life. I do know for a fact that this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before and it was after the night of the valima where my khala told his wife that she had to make sure that my mamu took Xanax, Prozac daily because he suffers from clinical depression.

Now on the other hand, his wife did not disclose to my nana's family about her being psychotic, szhiprohenic where she hallucinates, sees, imagines things in her mind. While my mamu was a professional failure and did not really have much ambition in life, she used to beat him with a shoe and insult humiliate him everyday. But yes her main gripe was that her entire life was ruined because of being married to a loser like him and the fact that his clinical depression was not disclosed to her

2) My Chacha was a diabetic, but this was not disclosed to his wife and her family before the marriage and the truth came to light afterwards. Now this Chacha of mine is very successful and is a millionare and lives in a really huge mansion and has 2 wonderful kids and a really wonderful, loving caring wife who even though is not out of the world good looking but is such a dream role model spouse in the sense that she really looks after her husband, everyone in the family keeps saying he really won the lottery.

Unfortunately his inlaws still to this day hold a really powerful grudge against our side of the family and they still have not forgiven my daadi and the rest of the family for keeping his diabetes a secret

3) My sister was today telling me about one of her closest friends from University who was a really bright student and cleared all medical exams in one go and had a really easy time academically in comparison to others and is now a practicing doctor doing a house job in one of the most prestigious hospitals in Pakistan. However unfortunately this girl suffers from severe clinical depression, she fell in love with a guy in her batch and she did not hide this information from him and he had no problems with this and readily accepted her

They both got married. My sister was telling me that the girl was not getting along with her in laws due to which the guy moved out of his home with his wife and they both moved into an apartment instead. However her clinical depression has really now gotten worse and now it appears that the guy himself is extremely worn down dealing with her low mood swings and it now appears their marriage is on the rocks.

4) A friend of mine in Canada got married to a Pakistani girl in Canada via arranged marriage, it turned out later on that the girl had a severe kidney problem for which she required frequent treatment and this was not disclosed to the guy and his family by the parents. While the guy was supportive and okay with it, his parents were extremely infuriated by this act by the girl and her parents and literally kicked the girl out of the house and the couple ended up getting divorced.

5) I myself have Aspergers Syndrome and have very poor social skills and am deeply introverted. Lol my elders just right now couldn't stop raving about my sisters fiance who came to meet us for dinner today about how they were breath taken by the guys amazing social skills where he could act like a kid in front of kids, like a teenager with teenagers and as an adult with adults and how he had the ability to keep conversations going.

When i compare myself to that guy, i obviously do not feel good because i tend to go into a silent shell when there are microscopic lenses on me and i know deep down a guy with amazing confidence will sell much more easily in comparison to someone who is shy, introverted and that most parents will not like a guy with zero confidence.

Anyways, ethically speaking i know i have to disclose my Aspergers Syndrome problem to a potential future partner and that i cannot in good conscious bury it under the carpet

The purpose of this thread is to ask the following

- Are couples justified in keeping their mental problems a secret before marriage?

- Does suffering from problems like Clinical Depression mean that the person should not get married at all?

I am interested in hearing a consensus on this one

 

[Liberal 000]

I haven't seen a perfect couple so far in my entire life. Marriage is a compromise those who learn to do compromise their marriage life is on others have to terminated it!

 

[umer]

yes it should all b told before hand

 

[wamufti]

......

I can relate to it brother. Its in the culture - we like to keep things hidden rather then go for treatment. My wife told me about her clinical depression after nikkah - but I did not retaliate or anything. We took right steps to seek professional help. AlhamdoLillah I am quite satisfied with my life. Yes I had to change a few things in my routine to accommodate her needs. But its working fine. There always will be issues but you just have to be one step ahead of the game to handle matters better.

More than 40% of world population is suffering from depression and anxiety - or some sort of mental issue. It is not un-common to find yourself and someone you know suffering from it.

Remember it depends on you - how you want to take it further and handle it.

 

[samkhan]

اگر دولہا یا دلہن یا دونوں خاندان کسی چیز کو چھپانا چاہتے ہیں تو اس کا ایک ہی حل ہے کہ دولہا یا دلہن کی تحریک انصاف میں شمولیت کی خبریں پھیلائی جائیں اور پھر میڈیا خود ہی دولہا یا دلہن کی تمام جسمانی، ذہنی اور اخلاقی بیماریاں اور جرائم منظر عام پر لے آئیگا

 

[Citizen X]

With all due respect, you're more fruitier than a truck load of fruit cake. First you have that whimpy crush on that lady who doesn't even want to shit on you and you wasted a whole lotta time and effort with that and now this!

Personally I really don't believe in all the new age mental disorder, you can pick anyone randomly and some shirk will tell you he has ADD, PTSD, ASD PDD or some other new age acronym disorder. Apparently, normal sane people don't exist anymore.

Going back to your original question, even if you are a half decent human being, it shouldn't even be a question in the first place. Other question, I dunno I sound like an oaf but I don't believe in depression, one might be depressed for a short while due to circumstance as its a valid human emotion, but being depressed all the time for no reason, sounds too wannabe, as in attention whoring type of a deal or being too much off a snowflake all of the time.

But if you think its a genuine thing then it would be disingenuous not to reveal something like that to someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with. When you are going to start off with a big lie, whats the point anyways.

 

[raclahori]

اگر دولہا یا دلہن یا دونوں خاندان کسی چیز کو چھپانا چاہتے ہیں تو اس کا ایک ہی حل ہے کہ دولہا یا دلہن کی تحریک انصاف میں شمولیت کی خبریں پھیلائی جائیں اور پھر میڈیا خود ہی دولہا یا دلہن کی تمام جسمانی، ذہنی اور اخلاقی بیماریاں اور جرائم منظر عام پر لے آئیگا

(n):mad:
He's discussing a serious matter. There's a place and time for silly jokes.

 

[khan0786]

Accordnig to reham khan Mr Niazi did hide regular use of Viagra and cocaine before marriage,,,,

 

[Citizen X]

Accordnig to reham khan Mr Niazi did hide regular use of Viagra and cocaine before marriage,,,,

Did showbaz tell all his wives he needed viagra to get it up?

 

[Citizen X]

Accordnig to reham khan Mr Niazi did hide regular use of Viagra and cocaine before marriage,,,,

Did ganju tell his wife he was in the habit of giving iphones and then trying to bed other women

 

[hkniazi]

secrets kill realtionships.
and no 2 people of the seven billion are alike. if any 2 are alike, one of them is excessive.

 

[Vitamin_C]

You can get better social skills than that guy. You can use the aspergers to your advantage, it gives you many benefits that ordinary people don't have. Check out Owen Cook founder of Real Social Dynamics, he is an Aspie who used to be socially retarded, he practised his social skills and now has social calibration of a God.

Anyway I am not a big fan of marriages, especially arrange marriages. It's your life don't let other people make important decisions for you especially your parents. In the end you are responsible.

 

[Humi]

Well no, I do not see why suffering from mental health issues mean that you should not get married at all. These problems are an unfortunate reality of today's world which you can develop at a later time after getting married as well so what then? Are you supposed to break your relationship up afterwards if you start having depression?

However, relationships do require a lot of effort and work to be nurtured and when you are drowning in depression or other mental health problems, it is hard to focus on making an effort as you are so caught up in how horrible you feel, so you should definitely think twice before making such commitments as you might have trouble honoring them. It is perfectly fine if you are a stage where you can't give your full to a commitment. Everyone is different but you should accept that it would a problem.

Also, if you are having mental health problems you should definitely let your potential partner know. It is better to have a healthy support system around you and if you marry someone without letting them know of these problems, you are going to get negativity and resentment from them instead of support and understanding. Unfortunately not everyone is equipped to live with people who have mental health problems so you could be making a decision which would have a negative impact on both lives.

 

[c'estmoi]

Mental or other major health problems should be disclosed. Life is a bitch. Marriage is not a joke.

Having said that, in real life, things sometimes dont work out that way. I can share my own story. I married this woman after knowing her for just 2 months. It wasn't a 'love marriage' by any means nor was it a traditional arranged marriage. Six months after the marriage, the bomb shell is dropped and I get to know about a 'big' medical problem she had. Most people would divorce but it did not bother me because I had discovered a beautiful soul in her. She was such a lovely human being that nothing else mattered. She was a diamond.

Medical treatments didn't help. 8 years into the marriage, she starts going crazy and starts feeling bad for me while I was perfectly ok with her. She felt I deserved better, while I just wanted to be with her......like WTF! She goes into depression, things go down hill, we fall apart, and 2 more years later we divorce. This was when I met 'depression' myself. So bad that even eating felt like a punishment let alone doing anything else. I had no other family support which made it even worst. Parents passed away long ago. No siblings. No other relative etc. Just me and my few friends. Times like these when you get to know who your true friends are.

Anyhow, it took me over a year and half but I recovered to somewhat normal life (believe it or not, Imran Khan's inspiring speeches helped a lot). Now looking back at the whole thing, one may say that if she had disclosed the problem before the marriage then maybe we could have avoided this whole thing, falling in love, and going through all this pain...but again life isn't fair and no one is perfect. At the same time, I cherish having known a lovely person and time spent together. It wasn't meant to be forever. Life is a bitch and must move on unfortunately.